Remembering Goodbye

Written May 20th 2010
The day Tyler deployed last May...

There were tears together in the car as we shared our last few moments alone, and then the smell of wet pavement that rose with each painstaking step toward the small building on post. A mixture of laughter and more tears intertwined as Tyler strummed his guitar for me, and our friends Erik and Lindsay, once we were inside. You would have thought he was heading out on a camping trip with some of his best buddies...he wasn’t afraid. He was ready.

After we had taken advantage of every possible second in those last three hours on Ft. Carson, the announcement came for the final goodbye. As my vision became blurred again I threw my arms around Tyler, shut my eyes tight, and felt as though my heart would sink in a sea of tears. I couldn’t believe the moment was here, and it was real. I was trying to desperately to freeze the feeling of comfort to have his arms around me and cheek next to mine. When I opened my eyes I realized the small room was full of fellow women all trying to capture the same moment and stuff it in their heart’s pocket. I had hardly noticed anyone else in the room until that moment...I wasn’t alone.

My heart felt as though it had turned into led as Tyler put away his guitar and picked up his weapon instead. I begged my mind to wake up and assure me it was all a dream, but I knew it wasn’t. Orders were being called from outside and our fellow brave men, and their ladies, made their way out into the rain. None of the girls bothered much with umbrellas; it was the least of our worries. Tears fell down every cheek as husbands embraced wives, children clung to their daddy’s neck, and as I scooped my solder’s arm with mine.

I will forever remember the way Tyler turned and looked in my eyes, wrapped his arm around me, and kissed me goodbye with the biggest smile on his face...raindrops fell all around, and thunder spoke its mind as I took in every little detail and breathed in the painful reality of the moment..."Goodbye, I love you forever". As more reality set in, I watched him join his company in formation and become part of a sea of men. They all looked the same from across the pavement, but it was Tyler’s huge smile and eagerness that stood out in all the green ACUs. I stood across the parking lot knowing that I couldn’t sneak anymore hugs or kisses, this was it. I waved and blew kisses. He smiled, raised his gun in the air, and then I watched him walk away towards the bus that would start the journey, and bring him the challenge, that he was more than willing to take on.

I wish with all the broken pieces of my heart that I was watching him walk towards me on Ft. Carson this week, and that my goodbye tears would have a chance to turn into tears of joy. My heart has had to say goodbye to Tyler twice this year, but I know that all the tears that have fallen this past year; and the tears that are still to come, will never outnumber the tears of joy that await when I finally see him walking towards me in heaven...that is my strength, that is my peace.




You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger... –Psalm 56:8

God made my life/heart complete when I placed all the pieces before him. –Psalm 18:20

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. –Psalm 34:18

Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice. –Psalm 51:17



Thank you to my wonderful family for helping me walk through this immense pain, for crying with me, holding me, praying for me, and sending me notes when I most need them. I am grateful for each of you more than words can say.

Thank you Lindsay for being there for me from the very beginning. You were there that rainy day, there when the phone rang Septemeber 10th, and there through all the tears that have followed. I love you and am so grateful you are in my life!

Val, thank you for being so in tune to what the Lord would have you say and speaking it in the perfect moment. Your words have blessed my life like a stream greets a weary traveler. Thank you for coming over to be with Linds and me the night we got the news and holding us in your arms.

I am blessed to have so many friends that support and encourage me. So many of you send notes at the perfect time and each play a part in lifting my spirit and encourageing my heart.