Written January 22nd 2009
It lay on the floor, shattered into a thousand pieces. How had this happened? Who could have been so careless with such a delicate piece of work? Did they not realize what it was they had held in their hands?
As I stared at the multiple pieces of my delicate heart, tears rolled down my cheeks, and I was devastated. How could I ever put it back together? I reached down to gently pick up some of the pieces, and doubts that I would ever be able to love again ran through my mind. Unending tears began to fall and land on the shattered glass urrounding me.
That’s when I heard His voice and felt the warmth of His arms around me. “Beautiful one,… why are you crying? What has happened to your heart?” His presence almost seemed to bring more pain, but I knew why. I was ashamed. My heart was supposed to have been for Him. He had created it for me to love and adore Him, and I had carelessly given it to another. In that moment I wanted so desperately to put all those pieces back together and hand Him my heart. So I tried with everything in me. I thought if I applied resentment it might make some of the pieces stick. Then I thought maybe if I was a little bitter it would hold even more. The only result I got was a mess that kept falling apart. I was broken. I was broken beyond anything I would be able to fix. In abandonment to my weakness I broke even further before my one true prince and wept. As he held me in his arms, I felt a tear that was not my own. It fell upon my cheek and tingled with warmth. It must have fallen onto the shattered glass surrounding us, because I suddenly felt something inside of me stir. The love of my Savior had touched my heart. He felt everything I was feeling and was weeping with me. I watched him kneel over the shattered pieces and pick them up with such tenderness. As His tears fell one by one, the pieces of my heart began to fit perfectly back together. This was His masterpiece, and He was the only one that knew where each piece fit together.
I realize now that though brokenness is one of the most painful experiences we go through in life, it can also be the result of our most treasured memories with our prince. I am grateful that my heart was broken because I was able to see what was inside. Lying among all the glass, I saw things in my heart that I had been hiding for a long time. I saw areas that I had become cold and calloused. When my heart had broken, all those things inside my heart were exposed and staring straight at me. I would have continued to walk around with places in my heart would have been kept from my full potential to love, trust, and adore.
In that moment when my Savior kneeled over my broken heart, I was so embarrassed for Him to see all of those ugly spots that had been in my heart. I didn’t want him to know what I had been hiding inside so long. But He didn’t seem to care. He just kept placing the pieces of my heart back together, and left everything else. I started to wonder if He saw what I saw lying there on the floor.
When he was done, he turned to me and held out his hands. There inside, was the most perfect looking heart. It was pure and clear. I reached into His hands to hold my new heart, and I felt something, the scars in His hands. I looked into His eyes and he said: “That is why your heart is pure and clear”. I don’t see what you see. I only see the pure parts of your heart.” The tears began to flow once more, but this time it was from unspeakable joy. My heart had been broken and I had felt pain, but I had been given a gift greater than I could ever imagine. I looked at my heart a little closer and something caught my eye. Then I realized exactly what it was,… a small tear trapped inside. I had the mark of my one true prince placed in my heart to remind me of His faithfulness, undying love, and ability to heal. He had taken all the spots I was so ashamed of and replaced them with a simple reminder of His tenderness and love.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The Royal Waltz
Written January 18th 2009
A dusty rag was all I had to wear as I entered the royal court. I felt the stinging eyes of guest pierce me and whispers seemed to tingle as they reached my ears. I wanted to run and hide my face in any corner I could find, or just flee this place to never be seen again. Doubts that this was a mistake, and that I was silly to have accepted, filled my head. How could a king ever have invited me into his presence knowing how I would arrive? Was it a game? Did he want to poke fun at me and let all these people jest at me for entertainment? I felt as though I could barely make another step and desperately wanted to flee. What I would give to be dressed in a royal sateen with jewels as I walk through this majestic place. Feelings of despair and unworthiness filled my heart so full that I thought I might drown in my own feelings. As I began to search the crowd I noticed a movement,...it was him. Please, no. Why was he coming toward me? As the king stepped out
of the crowd, his gaze caught mine, and then he began to move toward me. He was dressed in the richest colors, and the jewels in his crown appeared like stars in the galaxy. I saw the corner of his mouth curve as though he was hiding a smile behind his lips and his eyes twinkled more with each step he took. When he took his last step, and finally stood before me, my head was filled with so many thoughts it felt as though the entire moment froze. I could only bow with so much humbleness and shame that it made me feel as though I was going to fall over at his feet. I couldn't even lift my eyes to his face. I felt a strong warm hand under my chin and he lifted my gaze to his. I knew I was in the presence of royalty, but this king was one that had compassion in his eyes and humbleness in his heart. "You look absolutely beautiful tonight", he said. I couldn't believe he would make such fun of me when it was obvious I was not dressed in the riches of those
around me.
Then I realized,...he was looking at something deeper than what everyone else saw in that moment. He was looking at my heart, clothed in his grace and forgiveness. He knew I had come to honor him, and that was enough to win his heart and affection. He held out his hand, and I knew this was an invitation to the most beautiful waltz ever. This was a royal king,... the king of my heart.
A dusty rag was all I had to wear as I entered the royal court. I felt the stinging eyes of guest pierce me and whispers seemed to tingle as they reached my ears. I wanted to run and hide my face in any corner I could find, or just flee this place to never be seen again. Doubts that this was a mistake, and that I was silly to have accepted, filled my head. How could a king ever have invited me into his presence knowing how I would arrive? Was it a game? Did he want to poke fun at me and let all these people jest at me for entertainment? I felt as though I could barely make another step and desperately wanted to flee. What I would give to be dressed in a royal sateen with jewels as I walk through this majestic place. Feelings of despair and unworthiness filled my heart so full that I thought I might drown in my own feelings. As I began to search the crowd I noticed a movement,...it was him. Please, no. Why was he coming toward me? As the king stepped out
of the crowd, his gaze caught mine, and then he began to move toward me. He was dressed in the richest colors, and the jewels in his crown appeared like stars in the galaxy. I saw the corner of his mouth curve as though he was hiding a smile behind his lips and his eyes twinkled more with each step he took. When he took his last step, and finally stood before me, my head was filled with so many thoughts it felt as though the entire moment froze. I could only bow with so much humbleness and shame that it made me feel as though I was going to fall over at his feet. I couldn't even lift my eyes to his face. I felt a strong warm hand under my chin and he lifted my gaze to his. I knew I was in the presence of royalty, but this king was one that had compassion in his eyes and humbleness in his heart. "You look absolutely beautiful tonight", he said. I couldn't believe he would make such fun of me when it was obvious I was not dressed in the riches of those
around me.
Then I realized,...he was looking at something deeper than what everyone else saw in that moment. He was looking at my heart, clothed in his grace and forgiveness. He knew I had come to honor him, and that was enough to win his heart and affection. He held out his hand, and I knew this was an invitation to the most beautiful waltz ever. This was a royal king,... the king of my heart.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Smudge
Written November 23 2009
In an empty art room my nose is almost pressed to a painting and I stand in confusion as to why the artist calls this painting “Love.” I read the description over and over; hoping it will help me understand, but continue to only see blobs of paint from one side of the canvas to the other. Even some of the colors are not the most attractive one’s I’ve ever seen on the color wheel. I had started by looking at the painting from across the room and something about it confused and intrigued. I thought if I got close it would start to make sense. As I began to walk closer I realized that it became more confusing to me than it was from across the room. Even so, I continued to inch closer in a desperate attempt to finally get it, to understand what in the world this artist was trying to portray. However, the only thing that moving closer had seemed to do was make any somewhat recognizable picture turn into a collaboration of paint blobs that resembled the color of mud. I was thoroughly confused as I strained, squinted, and refocused, thinking that would help reveal what I seemed to be missing. I glanced from painting to its title “Love, and then painting, back to “Love.” Was this guy kidding?! Shouldn’t the word “Love” be best shown as some sort of bright and bubbly collaboration of reds and vibrant colors of the like? I had seen many other paintings in there that looked far more beautiful and exciting than this one, and to put a caption like that…I smirked and shook my head. What a joke, some people will turn anything into art with a label. It was just then that a voice from behind startled me and cause me to slightly jump in place. “Interesting concept, huh?” I turned and my eyes met with a man donning silver hairs and a well worn hat. His simple clothes hinted that he didn’t care much about a fashion statement and most likely preferred a simple life. I wondered for a second who he was, and mostly how long he had been watching me as I was absorbed in the paint globs before me. This intriguing man sat on a bench a few feet behind me and let his gaze fall on the same painting I stood mystified by. I heard him sigh. I wondered what stories his life held and why he chose to gaze at the same painting when there seemed to be so many others in the room, whose bright and vivid colors deserved much more attention. “It’s different isn’t it?” I heard him ask. I turned around with a perplexed smile and said “Yes, sir, I am quite puzzled.” A warm smile spread across his weathered face and he said, “I think it’s the title that confuses most people.” I agreed, and mentioned that it was because of that reason I had moved closer and try to figure it out, but that the up close blobs of paint had only distorted things even more for me. He chuckled and said, “You can’t move closer when you’re confused, you have to take a few steps further back to see what the artist truly intended with his vision for his art piece.” I admit, at first this man’s advice seemed a little odd, but as I began to move to the other side of the room I realized he was right. The brown hued blobs slowly seemed to move on the canvas and with a new perspective I saw what I never would have seen before, a bird in flight. I was so overjoyed to see the picture I had strained to find for what seemed forever. The old man joined me as I stood in awe of the new revelation. “I titled it ‘Love’ because she’s just been set free from her cage into the grand and beautiful world.” I turned and looked in this mysterious man’s eyes and felt my own begin to fill with tears. “You created that?” I asked. “I did, and only those who are patient enough to take a longer look, and desire to see what was intended, are ever blessed by the reward of seeing her wings in the freedom of the air. His eyes sparkled, and with a smile he said, “I’m glad you saw past the ugly spots and desired to see the bigger picture of love, in freedom, that I created.” It was in that moment that I realized I was looking at a masterpiece, and it truly did portray love.
I’ve come to realize that as we look closely at our lives and are focused on the pain, frustration, and grief, we often cannot see the “bigger picture”. God wants us to draw close to Him, but be willing to step back from the moment we find ourselves in so that He can help us to see the beautiful in the broken and ugly seasons of our lives. If we can’t step back “across the room” of our lives, and be still, we might never have the grand opportunity to see the beautiful way all the “paint blobs” of our lives come together on His canvas and create a masterpiece worthy of the halls of heaven’s eternity. Our Father is standing behind us with a smile on his face wanting to help us understand His specially created art for each of our lives. You just have to get closer to the artist so you can hear what he’s saying. With His guidance you will see what “Love” really means to Him, and all the freedom in His love that He desires for you.
In an empty art room my nose is almost pressed to a painting and I stand in confusion as to why the artist calls this painting “Love.” I read the description over and over; hoping it will help me understand, but continue to only see blobs of paint from one side of the canvas to the other. Even some of the colors are not the most attractive one’s I’ve ever seen on the color wheel. I had started by looking at the painting from across the room and something about it confused and intrigued. I thought if I got close it would start to make sense. As I began to walk closer I realized that it became more confusing to me than it was from across the room. Even so, I continued to inch closer in a desperate attempt to finally get it, to understand what in the world this artist was trying to portray. However, the only thing that moving closer had seemed to do was make any somewhat recognizable picture turn into a collaboration of paint blobs that resembled the color of mud. I was thoroughly confused as I strained, squinted, and refocused, thinking that would help reveal what I seemed to be missing. I glanced from painting to its title “Love, and then painting, back to “Love.” Was this guy kidding?! Shouldn’t the word “Love” be best shown as some sort of bright and bubbly collaboration of reds and vibrant colors of the like? I had seen many other paintings in there that looked far more beautiful and exciting than this one, and to put a caption like that…I smirked and shook my head. What a joke, some people will turn anything into art with a label. It was just then that a voice from behind startled me and cause me to slightly jump in place. “Interesting concept, huh?” I turned and my eyes met with a man donning silver hairs and a well worn hat. His simple clothes hinted that he didn’t care much about a fashion statement and most likely preferred a simple life. I wondered for a second who he was, and mostly how long he had been watching me as I was absorbed in the paint globs before me. This intriguing man sat on a bench a few feet behind me and let his gaze fall on the same painting I stood mystified by. I heard him sigh. I wondered what stories his life held and why he chose to gaze at the same painting when there seemed to be so many others in the room, whose bright and vivid colors deserved much more attention. “It’s different isn’t it?” I heard him ask. I turned around with a perplexed smile and said “Yes, sir, I am quite puzzled.” A warm smile spread across his weathered face and he said, “I think it’s the title that confuses most people.” I agreed, and mentioned that it was because of that reason I had moved closer and try to figure it out, but that the up close blobs of paint had only distorted things even more for me. He chuckled and said, “You can’t move closer when you’re confused, you have to take a few steps further back to see what the artist truly intended with his vision for his art piece.” I admit, at first this man’s advice seemed a little odd, but as I began to move to the other side of the room I realized he was right. The brown hued blobs slowly seemed to move on the canvas and with a new perspective I saw what I never would have seen before, a bird in flight. I was so overjoyed to see the picture I had strained to find for what seemed forever. The old man joined me as I stood in awe of the new revelation. “I titled it ‘Love’ because she’s just been set free from her cage into the grand and beautiful world.” I turned and looked in this mysterious man’s eyes and felt my own begin to fill with tears. “You created that?” I asked. “I did, and only those who are patient enough to take a longer look, and desire to see what was intended, are ever blessed by the reward of seeing her wings in the freedom of the air. His eyes sparkled, and with a smile he said, “I’m glad you saw past the ugly spots and desired to see the bigger picture of love, in freedom, that I created.” It was in that moment that I realized I was looking at a masterpiece, and it truly did portray love.
I’ve come to realize that as we look closely at our lives and are focused on the pain, frustration, and grief, we often cannot see the “bigger picture”. God wants us to draw close to Him, but be willing to step back from the moment we find ourselves in so that He can help us to see the beautiful in the broken and ugly seasons of our lives. If we can’t step back “across the room” of our lives, and be still, we might never have the grand opportunity to see the beautiful way all the “paint blobs” of our lives come together on His canvas and create a masterpiece worthy of the halls of heaven’s eternity. Our Father is standing behind us with a smile on his face wanting to help us understand His specially created art for each of our lives. You just have to get closer to the artist so you can hear what he’s saying. With His guidance you will see what “Love” really means to Him, and all the freedom in His love that He desires for you.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Author
Written December 15th 2009
We are each a novel, with a theme and a purpose destine for the shelf of history. Some of us may have more adventure or thrilling page turning moments than others, but none the less, each story is uniquely our own and special. Some pages in our life seem to be filled with raging seas of terrifying monsters, and other pages are like a sunny picnic by a freshwater brook. We may feel as though we are in a gruesome battle on the field of uncertainty and sorrow, and other days may be as though we dine with a king as royalty, feasting on peace and joy. For some of us our stories are long and full of experiences, for others, they are short and sweet.
As we go through this journey of life, we never know what the next chapter holds for us, or even the next page. When you live a life of faith, and trust the Author of all creation with the pen of your life, you relinquish your “right” to continue your story how you feel all should be. We each want our hopes and dreams to be fulfilled, and of course God wants the best for His people, but do we really trust Him enough to hand over such a powerful tool? I could go on with my life, assured of my salvation, and never hand over this pen to God. Why would He want it anyway? Doesn't He have plenty to keep himself busy, without bothering with my life’s story?
What we start to miss is the most beautiful part of our salvation…the love of God. He’s not a tyrant, a dictator, or an unjust ruler who lords over his people just to keep himself busy with torturing whomever He pleases. He longs to write a thrilling and beautiful novel with each of our lives, but we have to trust Him with the pen.
Many of us can make wise and well educated decisions for ourselves, and most the time things will turn out okay, or even great. But are you satisfied with “okay” and “great”? Or do you long for a story unlike any other, full of God’s provisions and intertwined with more “amazing” than anyone could imagine? This kind of story takes sacrifice and dedication on our part. It takes true devotion and perseverance through the hard times. It takes someone who is convinced that God can write a story far beyond his or her own capability. It takes a person who knows that even when the storms and battles come into their novel, the Lord will graciously continue to script His grace, love, strength into the difficult chapters. It is always these difficult moments, full of pain and sorrow, which entice us to pluck the pen back out of God’s hands, and tell Him that we are far more equipped to handle writing our own story. It is in these moments that we are faced with the choice to either continue to trust that our God is loving and kind, gracious and merciful, or that we are far better off without Him, much less leaving Him in control of how our lives turn out!
It is never in the beautiful and peaceful chapters of our lives that we doubt. But when the seas roar and the battle rages, who will be the author of your life? Will you trust Him even when life hurts the most? A beautiful and captivating novel can only be written one word at a time, as we continually choose to place our trust in His love, through the pain in our lives. The battles in our lives are won with each moment we trust in Him, and the storms…if you hold onto Him, they will turn to peaceful waters and the sun will shine once more.
We are each a novel, with a theme and a purpose destine for the shelf of history. Some of us may have more adventure or thrilling page turning moments than others, but none the less, each story is uniquely our own and special. Some pages in our life seem to be filled with raging seas of terrifying monsters, and other pages are like a sunny picnic by a freshwater brook. We may feel as though we are in a gruesome battle on the field of uncertainty and sorrow, and other days may be as though we dine with a king as royalty, feasting on peace and joy. For some of us our stories are long and full of experiences, for others, they are short and sweet.
As we go through this journey of life, we never know what the next chapter holds for us, or even the next page. When you live a life of faith, and trust the Author of all creation with the pen of your life, you relinquish your “right” to continue your story how you feel all should be. We each want our hopes and dreams to be fulfilled, and of course God wants the best for His people, but do we really trust Him enough to hand over such a powerful tool? I could go on with my life, assured of my salvation, and never hand over this pen to God. Why would He want it anyway? Doesn't He have plenty to keep himself busy, without bothering with my life’s story?
What we start to miss is the most beautiful part of our salvation…the love of God. He’s not a tyrant, a dictator, or an unjust ruler who lords over his people just to keep himself busy with torturing whomever He pleases. He longs to write a thrilling and beautiful novel with each of our lives, but we have to trust Him with the pen.
Many of us can make wise and well educated decisions for ourselves, and most the time things will turn out okay, or even great. But are you satisfied with “okay” and “great”? Or do you long for a story unlike any other, full of God’s provisions and intertwined with more “amazing” than anyone could imagine? This kind of story takes sacrifice and dedication on our part. It takes true devotion and perseverance through the hard times. It takes someone who is convinced that God can write a story far beyond his or her own capability. It takes a person who knows that even when the storms and battles come into their novel, the Lord will graciously continue to script His grace, love, strength into the difficult chapters. It is always these difficult moments, full of pain and sorrow, which entice us to pluck the pen back out of God’s hands, and tell Him that we are far more equipped to handle writing our own story. It is in these moments that we are faced with the choice to either continue to trust that our God is loving and kind, gracious and merciful, or that we are far better off without Him, much less leaving Him in control of how our lives turn out!
It is never in the beautiful and peaceful chapters of our lives that we doubt. But when the seas roar and the battle rages, who will be the author of your life? Will you trust Him even when life hurts the most? A beautiful and captivating novel can only be written one word at a time, as we continually choose to place our trust in His love, through the pain in our lives. The battles in our lives are won with each moment we trust in Him, and the storms…if you hold onto Him, they will turn to peaceful waters and the sun will shine once more.
The Heart's Focus
Written December 12th 2009
I lost the future I had planned, yet I have not lost the future God has always had planned. When I focus on all that could have and should have been in my life, I cannot focus on all that still will be. If I truly believe that God is sovereign and gracious, I have to believe that His word is true: He will never leave me or forsake me(John 10:28), he has plans to prosper me and give me a future (Jeremiah 29:11), he is my protector (Psalm 91:4), he longs to give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4)…
I cannot focus on two things at once. I have to choose what the eyes of my heart will daily focus on. I can either focus on God’s promises, allowing Him to bring His truth into perspective and clarity, or I can focus on all that is seemingly “lost” and struggle to make sense of the God’s truth through the haze. My daily choice affects my heart’s vision, and my heart’s vision affects the state of my spirit/attitude. It is in this choice that my heart has the opportunity to heal with God’s gift of hope in full clarity.
There is a time and a season for everything: a time for birth and a time for death, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to gain and a time to lose…Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. If we truly believe these words then we must accept that God does is fact allow things in our lives that are more than we ourselves can handle. The truth that we can rest in is that “all you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he will never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it”(I Corinthians 10:13). Even the apostle Paul experienced sorrow and difficulties that seemed far too much for him to bear. In desperation he cried out to God, “We are under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life” (1 Corinthians 1:9). If God allowed Paul to experience far more than he could handle, then why do we believe that we are any different? God does not promise that he will not give us more than we can handle, but he does promise to be there with us and strengthen us in our weakest moments of despair, pain, and sorrow.
Paul learned that “When I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). As we go through life and experience chapters of grief and pain, we have a choice to either allow ourselves to focus on the sorrow, or on the promises and never ending love of God. When we understand that the sorrow makes us weak, but that weakness allows God to fill us more with his strength and peace, then we are able to shine brighter through our circumstances. We are called to “rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). No matter what our circumstances are we are told to rejoice and praise God. When we realize that this is not because God is unloving , uncaring, or self centered; but in fact because he knows that we will only find true healing by focusing our hearts on him, then we see this as a gift. It is when we take our focus off ourselves, our pain, and our plans, that we are set free to see his purpose and his perfect plan for our lives. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9), or as translated by The Message: “We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.” When we truly understand God’s heart, to give us his absolute best for our lives, even through the pain; we are able to rest in his “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).
It is up to us if we will let our heart focus on the pain of our lives, or instead, the promises of God. Our choice determines the amount of grace and healing that can flow into the biggest holes in our hurting heart, and make us whole again. “God made my life (heart) complete when I placed all the pieces before him” – Psalm 18:20
“Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book”-Psalm 56:8
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit.”- Psalm 34:18
“Blessed be God- he heard me praying. He proved he’s on my side; I’ve thrown my lot in with him. Now I’m jumping for joy, and shouting and singing my thanks to him. God is all strength for his people…” -Psalm 28:7-9
“God makes his people strong. God gives his people peace. -Psalm 29:11
“You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; you ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can’t thank you enough.” -Psalm 30:11-12
“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.”-Proverbs 3:5-6
“My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength is made perfect in weakness…It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness…I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”-2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.”-1 Corinthians 10:13
I lost the future I had planned, yet I have not lost the future God has always had planned. When I focus on all that could have and should have been in my life, I cannot focus on all that still will be. If I truly believe that God is sovereign and gracious, I have to believe that His word is true: He will never leave me or forsake me(John 10:28), he has plans to prosper me and give me a future (Jeremiah 29:11), he is my protector (Psalm 91:4), he longs to give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4)…
I cannot focus on two things at once. I have to choose what the eyes of my heart will daily focus on. I can either focus on God’s promises, allowing Him to bring His truth into perspective and clarity, or I can focus on all that is seemingly “lost” and struggle to make sense of the God’s truth through the haze. My daily choice affects my heart’s vision, and my heart’s vision affects the state of my spirit/attitude. It is in this choice that my heart has the opportunity to heal with God’s gift of hope in full clarity.
There is a time and a season for everything: a time for birth and a time for death, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to gain and a time to lose…Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. If we truly believe these words then we must accept that God does is fact allow things in our lives that are more than we ourselves can handle. The truth that we can rest in is that “all you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he will never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it”(I Corinthians 10:13). Even the apostle Paul experienced sorrow and difficulties that seemed far too much for him to bear. In desperation he cried out to God, “We are under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life” (1 Corinthians 1:9). If God allowed Paul to experience far more than he could handle, then why do we believe that we are any different? God does not promise that he will not give us more than we can handle, but he does promise to be there with us and strengthen us in our weakest moments of despair, pain, and sorrow.
Paul learned that “When I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). As we go through life and experience chapters of grief and pain, we have a choice to either allow ourselves to focus on the sorrow, or on the promises and never ending love of God. When we understand that the sorrow makes us weak, but that weakness allows God to fill us more with his strength and peace, then we are able to shine brighter through our circumstances. We are called to “rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). No matter what our circumstances are we are told to rejoice and praise God. When we realize that this is not because God is unloving , uncaring, or self centered; but in fact because he knows that we will only find true healing by focusing our hearts on him, then we see this as a gift. It is when we take our focus off ourselves, our pain, and our plans, that we are set free to see his purpose and his perfect plan for our lives. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9), or as translated by The Message: “We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it.” When we truly understand God’s heart, to give us his absolute best for our lives, even through the pain; we are able to rest in his “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).
It is up to us if we will let our heart focus on the pain of our lives, or instead, the promises of God. Our choice determines the amount of grace and healing that can flow into the biggest holes in our hurting heart, and make us whole again. “God made my life (heart) complete when I placed all the pieces before him” – Psalm 18:20
“Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book”-Psalm 56:8
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit.”- Psalm 34:18
“Blessed be God- he heard me praying. He proved he’s on my side; I’ve thrown my lot in with him. Now I’m jumping for joy, and shouting and singing my thanks to him. God is all strength for his people…” -Psalm 28:7-9
“God makes his people strong. God gives his people peace. -Psalm 29:11
“You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; you ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can’t thank you enough.” -Psalm 30:11-12
“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.”-Proverbs 3:5-6
“My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength is made perfect in weakness…It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness…I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”-2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.”-1 Corinthians 10:13
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Remembering Goodbye
Written May 20th 2010
The day Tyler deployed last May...
There were tears together in the car as we shared our last few moments alone, and then the smell of wet pavement that rose with each painstaking step toward the small building on post. A mixture of laughter and more tears intertwined as Tyler strummed his guitar for me, and our friends Erik and Lindsay, once we were inside. You would have thought he was heading out on a camping trip with some of his best buddies...he wasn’t afraid. He was ready.
After we had taken advantage of every possible second in those last three hours on Ft. Carson, the announcement came for the final goodbye. As my vision became blurred again I threw my arms around Tyler, shut my eyes tight, and felt as though my heart would sink in a sea of tears. I couldn’t believe the moment was here, and it was real. I was trying to desperately to freeze the feeling of comfort to have his arms around me and cheek next to mine. When I opened my eyes I realized the small room was full of fellow women all trying to capture the same moment and stuff it in their heart’s pocket. I had hardly noticed anyone else in the room until that moment...I wasn’t alone.
My heart felt as though it had turned into led as Tyler put away his guitar and picked up his weapon instead. I begged my mind to wake up and assure me it was all a dream, but I knew it wasn’t. Orders were being called from outside and our fellow brave men, and their ladies, made their way out into the rain. None of the girls bothered much with umbrellas; it was the least of our worries. Tears fell down every cheek as husbands embraced wives, children clung to their daddy’s neck, and as I scooped my solder’s arm with mine.
I will forever remember the way Tyler turned and looked in my eyes, wrapped his arm around me, and kissed me goodbye with the biggest smile on his face...raindrops fell all around, and thunder spoke its mind as I took in every little detail and breathed in the painful reality of the moment..."Goodbye, I love you forever". As more reality set in, I watched him join his company in formation and become part of a sea of men. They all looked the same from across the pavement, but it was Tyler’s huge smile and eagerness that stood out in all the green ACUs. I stood across the parking lot knowing that I couldn’t sneak anymore hugs or kisses, this was it. I waved and blew kisses. He smiled, raised his gun in the air, and then I watched him walk away towards the bus that would start the journey, and bring him the challenge, that he was more than willing to take on.
I wish with all the broken pieces of my heart that I was watching him walk towards me on Ft. Carson this week, and that my goodbye tears would have a chance to turn into tears of joy. My heart has had to say goodbye to Tyler twice this year, but I know that all the tears that have fallen this past year; and the tears that are still to come, will never outnumber the tears of joy that await when I finally see him walking towards me in heaven...that is my strength, that is my peace.
You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger... –Psalm 56:8
God made my life/heart complete when I placed all the pieces before him. –Psalm 18:20
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. –Psalm 34:18
Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice. –Psalm 51:17
Thank you to my wonderful family for helping me walk through this immense pain, for crying with me, holding me, praying for me, and sending me notes when I most need them. I am grateful for each of you more than words can say.
Thank you Lindsay for being there for me from the very beginning. You were there that rainy day, there when the phone rang Septemeber 10th, and there through all the tears that have followed. I love you and am so grateful you are in my life!
Val, thank you for being so in tune to what the Lord would have you say and speaking it in the perfect moment. Your words have blessed my life like a stream greets a weary traveler. Thank you for coming over to be with Linds and me the night we got the news and holding us in your arms.
I am blessed to have so many friends that support and encourage me. So many of you send notes at the perfect time and each play a part in lifting my spirit and encourageing my heart.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Bravery Rides the Wind
The colors waved in the air as if to solute the bravery of those who have defended and fought under it. I watched as the wind carried the threads of the red, white, and blue under and over each gust of wind. The colors of our nation began to blur as the national anthem played and tears made their way from my heavy heart, filling my eyes. I couldn’t help but think of the many ways I’ve now seen our flag since September 10th 2009. An American the flag has always symbolized freedom and the strength of our country to me. Now, it encompasses all the emotions known to a human heart. When I see our flag, no matter its size or form of display, my heart is flooded with pain and pride all at once.
I have seen our flag proudly show its brilliance, like a new medal of honor on a soldier’s uniform, while it flew above our nation’s capital; and I have also seen it cover the soldier who captured my heart, as he was escorted into his home town. As a child, I have gleefully waved a miniature flag at parades and 4th of July gatherings. Now, as an adult, I have felt with trembling hands the bumps and ridges of the stitching that forms the stars and stripes, and known that it was draped in sorrow over the one I loved. My tears have fallen into the threads as I stood with my hands and lips pressed against the fabric in an attempt to say a final goodbye.
Our flag will now forever symbolize to me not only freedom and strength, but also agony and loss. I often think back to the day that Tyler’s family and mine, friends, and I, escorted him through Marianna Arkansas. As I sat in the car with his family and looked out through the dark tinted windows, into a world that I believed would forever be grey to me, and I was overwhelmed with the pride 1st Lt. Tyler Parten’s town had for him. The people of Marianna seemed to have stopped time as young and old stepped out of their homes and businesses to wave their flags and show their respect in every way they could. An image of a little girl with her parents on their doorstep, holding a mini flag, is burned into my mind. She was a Marianna local dressed in pink with her brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. I was once as little as her and waving a flag alongside my parents, but now I was all grown up, dressed in black, and following a flag that would fly no more.
I have spoken out over that draped flag to a crowd of people, in Marianna’s town park, about how much love I have in my heart for the soldier they were so proud of. I have let tears steadily fall down my cheeks as the same flag was folded and presented to Tyler’s family. I have sobbed and struggled to stand as each gun salute rang in my ears and crushed my heart with the agonizing reality. I have seen Marianna’s flags at half-staff in respectful memory of their brave soldier from West Point. I have seen our flag in every shape and form that I never thought I would, but as I watch it now, it flies free. It proudly displays freedom, and represents bravery…as it rides the wind. It’s red, white, and blue threads are tied to my heart…and I know one day I will ride the wind as well and finally see Tyler’s smiling face as he welcomes me home.
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